In my early years I felt abandoned by the most important man in my life. My mother was divorced when I was four and I have very few memories of my biological father.
One memory I do have still leaves a little ache. I don't know how old I was, but I remember learning to "sort of" whistle and being very proud, I waited by the screen door for "him" to come home so I could demonstrate my new talent.
I actually can't remember who I was expecting_probably my father, or my uncle who was living with us_but he never came. I just stood by the door waiting and waiting as it grew dark. I really believed that somehow my parents' divorce was my fault; that if I had been the son my father wanted he would not have left. I knew at a very young age that the only name chosen prior to my birth had been a boy's name.
When I was six, my mother remarried and I was legally adopted by her new husband. When I say "Dad", he is the one I mean. We packed up and moved to New England, where my mother's family lived. I tried hard to be the son that I thought all fathers wanted.
I was an only child until the age of twelve, when we adopted a two year old girl. Mom talked about adopting another child, and I expressed my own interest in having a brother. It was a real blow when Dad said no, he didn't want any sons, only his girls. I had spent six years trying to be the son he didn't want. At the time it felt like a personal rejection.
My identity was pretty well set by then. I didn't care what my father said, I wanted to be a boy. I believed in an all powerful God, and from the age of eight, I prayed every night for years that God would correct the terrible mistake He had made: "God, please make me a boy".
In adolescence, sexual fantasies began. Very comfortable in my assumed male identity, I was always a man and my partner was always a woman.
In junior high school I found a book about a man who had a sex change operation, and learned that such a thing was a medical possibility. That thought stayed in the back of my mind for years.
During my freshman year at college, my roommate and I hit it off right away and an emotional dependency quickly developed. Early in our sophomore year we became involved in a physical relationship. Oddly, this was the first time I ever accepted myself as a female. I knew I could not have such a relationship with this woman if I were a man.
During college, I adopted very masculine mannerisms and dress. Occasionally this behavior got me into interesting predicaments.
For example, one December I was travelling by Greyhound bus from my parents' home back to college. In the Memphis, Tennessee bus station I almost received a police escort out of the ladies' room when another woman mistook me for a man. At the time that seemed like quite an accomplishment, and my lover and I used to chuckle about it.
We lived together for six years. Toward the end of that time our relationship really went downhill. I would frequently sleep on a bed roll on the floor in her room because she didn't want me to be in bed with her, but I wanted to be close to her. I was extremely immature, preferring to spend the morning in bed if my lover had a late class. I kept getting fired and my lover was more and more frustrated with my inability to keep a job.
When I lost the last one, I was afraid to tell her. So I would leave in the morning, pretending to go to work. I couldn't keep up with the bills and began to write bad checks, thinking I would get the money somehow. When I didn't get another job, I began to forge checks on my lover's bank account. Eventually I was unable to keep up with the bad checks and in December 1977 I was arrested. I spent ten days in jail, including Christmas and New Year's.
While I was in jail, my lover discovered the check forgeries, but didn't press charges, believing I was in enough trouble already. My parents bailed me out and paid back the money I had stolen from my lover. I was given a six month probated sentence.
Soon my lover finished her graduate degree and moved to another part of the country. Although I then had a good job, I still hadn't learned my lesson, as I was just waiting for her to settle down so I could join her.
That's when the Lord stepped in. My lover became a Christian during her training period with her company. When she told me, I was immediately jealous of God. I knew that if she really meant it, we couldn't continue in our old relationship.
I had always owned a Bible and my lover used to question why I bothered with it. Now that she professed to truly believe in it, I wondered what I had missed.
I began to study the Bible and to pray. After having the opportunity to spend some time with the person who had witnessed to my lover, I committed my life to the Lord in September 1978.
Immediately Satan began throwing problems at me. My new neighbors were a lesbian couple who figured out I was gay, but they thought I hadn't realized it. They decided to "help" me discover the truth.
The Lord mercifully intervened each time I planned to do something with them, although I didn't thank Him at the time. I also began to establish contact with some of Dad's relatives. My cousin was in college about 80 miles away. I had been ignoring her for about a year because I knew she was a Christian.
Now I couldn't wait to visit her. I was accepted by her friends at the Christian college she attended. I dared not tell any of them about my past. It was my first taste of Christian fellowship, and that was really important with the temptation of my neighbors so close hand.
In spite of fellowship with my cousin and involvement in a good church, I was being drawn more and more into the activities of my neighbors and their friends. Then I lost my job (this time through no fault of my own) and moved back to my parents' house halfway across the country. Six months of unemployment were used by the Lord as a time of spiritual growth for me. Then, following His leading, I joined the U.S. Army.
In the service, I found a wonderful fellowship of believers_many of whom opened their homes to me as a single soldier. The love and concern of my Christian friends helped me through many periods of loneliness, but there was still the black shadow of my past with all its hurts and unhealed areas. Although I was free from sexual involvement with anyone, there were still temptations and sexual fantasies. In my loneliest moments I would call my ex-lover which would inevitably lead to sexual fantasy. I was afraid to share with anyone, but knew I must find someone with whom I could talk. I called out to the Lord repeatedly to give me someone to talk to, and finally He did_several people. There was a single woman from the barracks where I lived, and three married couples. Each of these people ministered to me in a special way.
The single woman was simply a close friend. One of the couples listened and asked penetrating questions which caused me to look at myself and my actions from a new perspective. Another couple became my clothing "advisors", helping me to select a feminine wardrobe. The third couple was silently accepting, letting me talk and being a great prayer support.
My friends encouraged me to contact Regeneration, a local ministry which reaches out to those seeking a way out of homosexuality. Thus, in January 1981, the healing process was accelerated.
When I first came to the ministry I was extremely shy and introverted. I bounced back and forth between a masculine and a feminine identity.
One week I finally got up enough nerve to wear a dress to the group meeting. I couldn't handle the reaction from people, so the next week I was back in my shell_with blue jeans and flannel shirts. Slowly that changed as I gained self-confidence and as people around me helped me to grow into womanhood. Others in the ministry were also growing and changing, and it helped to have someone with whom to share the change process.
I gradually cut back on my calls to my ex-lover, as the Lord uprooted that emotional dependency. We are still in contact with each other as Christian sisters, but it was several years before we could meet face to face without great emotional upheaval.
The friends I first shared with continue to be a great help and support for me. That support has carried on literally from around the world as they have moved about with the military. At the end of March 1985, I got out of the Army to go to work for Regeneration. During the time since entering full time Christian service, I can really see the changes the Lord has made in me. Through Him I can now not only accept, but rejoice in, my femininity. I am now joyfully preparing for marriage. I praise the Lord for the work He has done in my life. When I was born female, God didn't make a mistake!
Luanna lives with her husband and children in Baltimore. Distributed by Love in Action, P.O. Box 753307, Memphis, TN 38175-3307; 901/542-0250. Adapted by permission from a handout published by Regeneration, P.O. Box 9830, Baltimore, MD 21284.
[ Homepage | Personal Pages | Current Issues | Support Groups | Your Story | FAQ | Love In Action ]